husband wants to spend every weekend with his familyaffordable wellness retreats 2021 california
It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Who keeps the dog? Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Yes. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. Addie Pray You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. All rights reserved. TaraMonster Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. A picnic in the park? ReginaRey LW, you are not being unreasonable! Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Its hard not knowing when a passing will Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Or go to batting cages. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). On the weekends he spends at Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. . tbrucemom I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. wendyblueeyes Like he was programmed that way. Or stay the whole time? Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. Hes going to choose you. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. CottonTheCuteDog Bklyn Grl But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. BGM never agrees with the woman. Okay okay. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. Some peoples parents are just like that. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. 1. We were together but doing our own thing. I thought the same thing. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. No, not necessarily. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. lets_be_honest every place has natural wonders. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Oh yeah I forgot about that. husband goes to his parents every weekend. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Thats what next times are for! Some families really are just that close. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Schedule some girls' nights out. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. lets_be_honest Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Is this normal? Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. lets_be_honest I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? lets_be_honest To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. True enough, Flake. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. Two things.. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. allathian But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. WebGo to counseling with your husband. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. But Ill tell you what. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Laura Hope Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. I agree that it is dysfunctional. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. . If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Five months later I was pregnant. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Then you may just be spending too much time together. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Laura Hope Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Haha. The evening must be spent together as well? ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. Blondie I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. CottonTheCuteDog Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. silver_dragon_girl Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. right! Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. GatorGirl All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. , silver_dragon_girl and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. "I Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. AKchic GatorGirl Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. Pay careful attention to his reaction. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. a lot of people just arent that way. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. All Im saying is be careful. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? So dont wait around for that. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. GatorGirl Red_Lady Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! So why are you still with him? Problem Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. 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And that it hurts that you never spend weekends together likely if your husband goes out weekend. Parents longer and do something else in the city before you lived together, it depends on relationships!
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